There's no easy way to say it, so I'll just say it.
AJ and I have broken up and I am moving out.
One week ago today, I came home from an exhausting all-day closing shift at Old Soul Coffee, already hitting the weekend in an overwhelmed, chaotic frame of mind, and decided that I couldn't handle this any longer. I couldn't handle anything. I couldn't handle two jobs making minimum wage, I couldn't handle my credit card debt, my bills, my rent check, and I couldn't handle my life. Defeated and selfish, I considered moving to my dad's house and trying to get a job at a bookstore and starting over completely. I told this plan to AJ when I got home, after she asked me if everything was alright and all I could do was shake my head. It had been a hot day without a car and ending with a twenty-five minute walk from the bus stop outside ARC. I'd felt nervous at work all day because Old Soul was having me close by myself for the first time. I'd been unhappy with myself for the past few months, peaked that afternoon by the grim realization that I was working way below the standard I envisioned for myself at this age, and that this wouldn't last. AJ and I had been struggling to survive each month individually for the past six months, never able to just be grown-ups and endure the bills with ease. Sure, that came with time, with the progression of our individual careers, but I simply lost grip on that hope and couldn't see beyond the dilemma of affording the next rent check. I gave up. I was about to lose my mind.
Not all of my decision was based on financial reasons. The relationship I had with AJ never felt balanced. From my point of view, there were many genuinely good standards that AJ held for a passionate, long-term relationships that I simply couldn't match. I'd never actually experienced the upfront honesty of someone like AJ before, and found it incredibly attractive as a human quality, but as the relationship moved forward, I never learned to incorporate that trait into my own behavior, and my dishonesty began to gnaw away at her faith in me as a passionate life partner. I take complete blame for the pain I put her through with my negligence of her feelings. I simply wasn't thinking. AJ deserves someone who can mirror her passion, not someone who embraces it but reluctantly repeats it. Having dug myself into a dark area of distrust, AJ was always being overly concerned with my behavior, which distanced us from one another romantically. We became close roommates who snuggled and watched Netflix, and soon enough we gave up trying to be romantic altogether. This was around the time I got fired and started this blog and went out to find a new job. Two coffeeshops later, I reached a point where I was destroying my self-esteem and falling into a depression I never expected or knew how to handle. And AJ completely understood. She'd seen what I'd been doing to myself and how stressed I was. She had already been talking to Laura about possibly becoming roommates should I ever decide to move.
Then AJ watched the video, the one I'm editing for Raquela.
The half-naked dancing girls were the last straw. For a relationship where open communication and absolute honesty were key, it was disgusting of me to have not informed AJ about what sort of material, exactly, I was going to be dealing with. I'd really only told her that I was editing a video, that it was a remix dance song, and that the story was loosely based on a girl chasing a guy through a mansion and pushing him into the pool. When filming started and I saw the costumes for the first time--and these were a few scattered hours of behind-the-scenes experience, not full days of hanging around the set--it would've been the wise thing to tell her about this. I agree, in retrospect. But when filming had begun, when I had put in so much input, when I'd already invested myself in this zero budget project, I didn't want to let it go. I had a fear that AJ would simply tell me not to do this video because it was inappropriate. When I mentioned this fact during one of our final arguments, she insisted that my concern was an example of how little I truly knew her. Maybe that's true, but the fear was still there and I didn't even think of the project as anything sexually interesting, just simply as a job I'd agreed to do, an experience I didn't imagine it would hurt to have. It was over after that. Another example of how Chris Fryer doesn't give a shit about anyone else but himself.
Now I'm staying at Rhonda's, a family friend in town.
The goal is to hang about for a bit and help AJ pay the bills and rent for this month, and then start looking downtown for a place to rent--probably just someone's spare room, but that's all I really need. AJ is getting a roommate on the first of August. After that, I imagine we're still going to be close friends. Spending a year and a half with someone, sharing a roof and bed with them for a year of that time, you're going to grow close. I miss hanging out and watching Netflix. I miss the pets. I miss the company. I miss cooking for each other. I miss the small things that only come apparent when they stop happening. But we had a good long talk a few nights ago on the phone and really pushed through the shock phase by coming to terms with the improvement this change will serve for both of us. My only plan now is to get a room downtown, work at Old Soul for a while, work on my writing, and get my credit card debt taken care of. I'm not going far. Not yet.
And AJ... She's on a great track. Her music is fantastic, her school experience is going well, she's reaching goals she probably never imagined to meet so quickly. She has a good base of friends who support her. She is going to be fine. I will always respect her and wish the best for her and hope she knows that.
I don't know what's going to happen next.
I don't even know if I open or close at Old Soul tomorrow.
But all of this is happening for a reason. All of this feels terrifying and wonderful and sad and inspiring. It's a time of metamorphosis. Butterfly from the cocoon. I feel like AJ's already found her wings and taken flight. I am proud of her for that. I can only hope that something like that happens for me.
- Left to Fry
AJ and I have broken up and I am moving out.
One week ago today, I came home from an exhausting all-day closing shift at Old Soul Coffee, already hitting the weekend in an overwhelmed, chaotic frame of mind, and decided that I couldn't handle this any longer. I couldn't handle anything. I couldn't handle two jobs making minimum wage, I couldn't handle my credit card debt, my bills, my rent check, and I couldn't handle my life. Defeated and selfish, I considered moving to my dad's house and trying to get a job at a bookstore and starting over completely. I told this plan to AJ when I got home, after she asked me if everything was alright and all I could do was shake my head. It had been a hot day without a car and ending with a twenty-five minute walk from the bus stop outside ARC. I'd felt nervous at work all day because Old Soul was having me close by myself for the first time. I'd been unhappy with myself for the past few months, peaked that afternoon by the grim realization that I was working way below the standard I envisioned for myself at this age, and that this wouldn't last. AJ and I had been struggling to survive each month individually for the past six months, never able to just be grown-ups and endure the bills with ease. Sure, that came with time, with the progression of our individual careers, but I simply lost grip on that hope and couldn't see beyond the dilemma of affording the next rent check. I gave up. I was about to lose my mind.
Not all of my decision was based on financial reasons. The relationship I had with AJ never felt balanced. From my point of view, there were many genuinely good standards that AJ held for a passionate, long-term relationships that I simply couldn't match. I'd never actually experienced the upfront honesty of someone like AJ before, and found it incredibly attractive as a human quality, but as the relationship moved forward, I never learned to incorporate that trait into my own behavior, and my dishonesty began to gnaw away at her faith in me as a passionate life partner. I take complete blame for the pain I put her through with my negligence of her feelings. I simply wasn't thinking. AJ deserves someone who can mirror her passion, not someone who embraces it but reluctantly repeats it. Having dug myself into a dark area of distrust, AJ was always being overly concerned with my behavior, which distanced us from one another romantically. We became close roommates who snuggled and watched Netflix, and soon enough we gave up trying to be romantic altogether. This was around the time I got fired and started this blog and went out to find a new job. Two coffeeshops later, I reached a point where I was destroying my self-esteem and falling into a depression I never expected or knew how to handle. And AJ completely understood. She'd seen what I'd been doing to myself and how stressed I was. She had already been talking to Laura about possibly becoming roommates should I ever decide to move.
Then AJ watched the video, the one I'm editing for Raquela.
The half-naked dancing girls were the last straw. For a relationship where open communication and absolute honesty were key, it was disgusting of me to have not informed AJ about what sort of material, exactly, I was going to be dealing with. I'd really only told her that I was editing a video, that it was a remix dance song, and that the story was loosely based on a girl chasing a guy through a mansion and pushing him into the pool. When filming started and I saw the costumes for the first time--and these were a few scattered hours of behind-the-scenes experience, not full days of hanging around the set--it would've been the wise thing to tell her about this. I agree, in retrospect. But when filming had begun, when I had put in so much input, when I'd already invested myself in this zero budget project, I didn't want to let it go. I had a fear that AJ would simply tell me not to do this video because it was inappropriate. When I mentioned this fact during one of our final arguments, she insisted that my concern was an example of how little I truly knew her. Maybe that's true, but the fear was still there and I didn't even think of the project as anything sexually interesting, just simply as a job I'd agreed to do, an experience I didn't imagine it would hurt to have. It was over after that. Another example of how Chris Fryer doesn't give a shit about anyone else but himself.
Now I'm staying at Rhonda's, a family friend in town.
The goal is to hang about for a bit and help AJ pay the bills and rent for this month, and then start looking downtown for a place to rent--probably just someone's spare room, but that's all I really need. AJ is getting a roommate on the first of August. After that, I imagine we're still going to be close friends. Spending a year and a half with someone, sharing a roof and bed with them for a year of that time, you're going to grow close. I miss hanging out and watching Netflix. I miss the pets. I miss the company. I miss cooking for each other. I miss the small things that only come apparent when they stop happening. But we had a good long talk a few nights ago on the phone and really pushed through the shock phase by coming to terms with the improvement this change will serve for both of us. My only plan now is to get a room downtown, work at Old Soul for a while, work on my writing, and get my credit card debt taken care of. I'm not going far. Not yet.
And AJ... She's on a great track. Her music is fantastic, her school experience is going well, she's reaching goals she probably never imagined to meet so quickly. She has a good base of friends who support her. She is going to be fine. I will always respect her and wish the best for her and hope she knows that.
I don't know what's going to happen next.
I don't even know if I open or close at Old Soul tomorrow.
But all of this is happening for a reason. All of this feels terrifying and wonderful and sad and inspiring. It's a time of metamorphosis. Butterfly from the cocoon. I feel like AJ's already found her wings and taken flight. I am proud of her for that. I can only hope that something like that happens for me.
- Left to Fry
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