Here's what's hard about being 23.
This is the stuff no one can prepare you for. These are the feelings that Mom and Dad never talked about because they're almost too hard to put to words. They are feelings that will gradually disappear as age and wisdom fill in the blanks, but you'll simultaneously start to forget those feelings. It's the way anyone feels after they pass to a new stage of life. It all seems like a dream, in retrospect.
That said, being 23 is not a bad thing. In fact, it's probably the greatest thing to ever happen to me. For the first time in my life I actually feel alive. For the first time, I feel like I matter.
It'll be the first year I vote for a governor, as though I care (which I do, but with still such minimum understanding that I don't think it really counts). I'm going to vote Green Party for the same reason I bought a Zune instead of an iPod. Of course there's the Yes that I'm excited to give to 19, as well.
For the first time I feel like I'm at home in a world of my own creation.
But here's what's hard about all that.
With all of that good stuff comes the fact that I have no idea how my decisions of now are going to affect my future (not just from my vote on Tuesday). While one could argue that you never really think about that when you're a kid, either, I don't think anyone really appreciates the fathom of not knowing the outcome until they're 23. As a kid there are so many people making choices for you. And then suddenly you're past the age of the college student, and it feels like letting go of a branch. Basically this feels like Chapter One after a long introductions that went on too long.
So what happens in a hundred pages from now?
Now I'm curious. Now I really want to know, when before it may have never occurred to me. School had semesters. Classes had tests. Girlfriends had demands. Life was static behind all of this organization. I rarely felt like I had control. Getting fired shook me harder than I thought. It woke me up.
On a day like today when nothing much happened, I wonder: What's that going to do to tomorrow? What's that going to do to January? It's not an obsessive thing, since generally my mind stays active with other subjects, but when Old Soul is slow and the hours crawl, I often wonder such things.
And the scary thing is that I have no idea what my choices are doing.
It still feels like trying to water-ski for the first time. I know it's not hard to stay afloat once you get there, but getting through that first hard tug is half the battle. I'm pretty sure I'm at the peak of that tug, nearly where I'm supposed to be. Then again, maybe we always feel that way.
But I want to know.
And what I take comfort in, I suppose, and what keeps me calm, is the idea that no matter what I do, no matter what I think, tomorrow will still come. It has to. The sun's not stopping any time soon. It's like being the tiniest little cog in a giant universe-shaped clock. The insignificance of my actions in the long term is overwhelming. Even the significance of humans is questionable. Thoughts like that take you so far away from humankind that nothing really matters at all. It's kid of a scary thought, but it helps make a dull day feel special. Imagine... Out of all that empty space out there, the universe had the ability to put little old me on this tiny blue planet and give me a chance to breath for a day. That's comforting. Something wanted me here. Something wanted me to live.
Thanks universe. And Mom and Dad.
It's scary to be 23. For me, I think a lot about the relationships I'm forming. I wonder, when I'm alone, if that isn't all that humans seek. In love, in work, in friendships... We want to be part of a group, a couple or a family. We are not alive without interaction. It stifles our potential as a species to be solitary. That's what I've come to believe, and I tend to view relationships as chess games. Everything is still magical, conversations are still intriguing, don't get me wrong... But when you're looking down from the universe's point of view, it's all just chance anyway, like a never-ending game of Yahtzee. Magic Yahtzee.
It's definitely a game I love to play, this Life they never warned me about.
I think about kids. Pets. Girlfriends. Marriage. Any of that stuff in the cards? I'm fairly certain that's what's expected of me, based on some ingrained societal command, and I don't see anything wrong with that. Marriage, kids, a dog in the backyard, and a hybrid in the garage. Why not? By then the hybrids won't be so ugly and I'll have a better job.
But is anything I'm doing improving or damaging that vision? Is that even the vision I want? Is there something I should be doing this moment that will completely change the outcome of my life, my spin on this tiny cog?
Well, at the end of the day, the results are tallied and tomorrow I'll find the consequences, good or bad. I put my faith in things like karma, especially if I stay with the cog metaphor, because in that case things really do come around, and a bad action here is bad luck in the future. And you make the best of each day, but on the whole each day fades away just the same as the one before it. There's nothing you can do about that thing called time. You have to embrace that or it will constantly stress you out.
I've remained sane with marks on the calendar: Dec 10 is the last day of my internship. August 27, 2011 is the end of my year-lease. After the internship, I'm thinking a new job would be nice. After the lease is up, I'm thinking I'll probably be looking to move. Depends on the job situation, I guess. These bookmarks are comforting in a way that seeing the shore from a boat is comforting, knowing you're not drifting.
But who knows?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've never been so terrified and excited at the same time. Working nights (days are usually great) at Old Soul might be the least appealing thing to do with this new life, and often feels like nothing but a complete waste (beside the cute girls, coworkers and the pay checks, of course), but it's still a little different each time and an important side-story for my life. I am constantly curious about where Old Soul is taking me, even if it's nowhere special. I wonder each day if someone new I'm meeting will become a main character or if they're expository like the rest of the strangers. It's fascinating when a connection is made. Old Soul is where I meet the most people, and for that I love every second of it.
Anyway.
They fixed the fence in the backyard. The construction crew working on the alley finally put one up, while pretty much destroying all the plants that lined the old fence. They also put a new gate that opens in the alley which wasn't there before, giving people easy access to our yard, which is creepy. I kinda want to put a padlock on that as soon as I can. And get some of that mesh netting to bring back some of the privacy.
I also took these pictures on my unsuccessful costume-search walk this morning.
Oh, and Mayor Kevin Johnson came into Old Soul at around 8:30 to meet with this woman and they left for Zocalos, with Johnson's posse and SUV waiting outside. This was the third time I'd ever seen him and we fist-pounded and chatted briefly about how quiet it was in the coffee-shop. Not a handshake. A fist-pound. Then he was gone. It was quite strange that he would appear in my Old Soul life when I'd determined him a part of the Sac Press storyline. Bastard didn't buy anything.
- Left to Fry
No comments:
Post a Comment