It's official. I'm freaking out.
It's been one month since AJ and I broke up. On the fourth, it will have been a full month since I've moved out. A month since I had my own space. A month since anything felt even the slightest bit normal. Change is never easy. I know this. It sucks ass.
I am sitting in Old Soul right now because it's the closest thing to a home that I have. No offense to Rhonda and Bryant, but staying in their house has been the most awkward and uncomfortable experience of my life. Not every moment of it, no. There are good points--mainly the fact that I have a roof to sleep under and a bed to lay on--but I can't connect to anyone (other than Jessica, but that's a given) and I can't quite relax. I've been having trouble sleeping. I've been having trouble spending any amount of time in Carmichael that I can't be spending somewhere else, even if I have nothing to do, like today. It doesn't fulfill anything to spend my off-hours at work, and is actually kind of embarrassing, but I honestly don't know what the hell else to do. An hour ago I was driving aimlessly through Downtown Sacramento pretending like I had somewhere to go.
I got a parking ticket earlier.
I'm thinking of going to see a movie at the Tower Theater at some point. I'm supposed to go see Zoe's apartment again when she gets back from Marin, but she's a flaky character and I'm not sure when that's going to be. Hopefully not too much later than 4:00. I'm planning on getting drunk with Sean later tonight in Auburn. This is my life right now. This is all that I can come up with. This feels so weird.
There is still plenty to be happy about. I try to focus on those things. I have a job, I am making new friends, I'm healthy, I still have a car, I still have my family. But I need more money. I need my own place. I need to feel like I've got my shit in order.
My biggest struggle right now is figuring out how to move out.
Of course Plan A is to go to Zoe's place when she moves, but she might not move on the 11th as planned (if she gets the job in Marin), which means... I dunno. It's a nice place. It's close enough to walk to work. But I can't handle too much more of this free-floating life. I'm not homeless, but if home is where the heart is, then I'm more homeless than I've ever been. In the meantime, I keep looking on craigslist for rooms to rent, but stop myself when I realize that I have no idea how much money I'm going to have when the time comes for rent and a possible deposit. Even with Zoe, the supposed 600 dollar payment might be a stretch, especially after helping AJ with rent this month. Please don't lecture me about how that's a dumb idea, because I've heard it enough, but AJ and I decided this was how it would work and there goes another 375 down the drain. It hurts, believe me. But no one said this was going to be easy. Change never is.
Well I guess that's it for now. Gonna get myself a sandwich and try to calm down.
- Left to Fry
It's been one month since AJ and I broke up. On the fourth, it will have been a full month since I've moved out. A month since I had my own space. A month since anything felt even the slightest bit normal. Change is never easy. I know this. It sucks ass.
I am sitting in Old Soul right now because it's the closest thing to a home that I have. No offense to Rhonda and Bryant, but staying in their house has been the most awkward and uncomfortable experience of my life. Not every moment of it, no. There are good points--mainly the fact that I have a roof to sleep under and a bed to lay on--but I can't connect to anyone (other than Jessica, but that's a given) and I can't quite relax. I've been having trouble sleeping. I've been having trouble spending any amount of time in Carmichael that I can't be spending somewhere else, even if I have nothing to do, like today. It doesn't fulfill anything to spend my off-hours at work, and is actually kind of embarrassing, but I honestly don't know what the hell else to do. An hour ago I was driving aimlessly through Downtown Sacramento pretending like I had somewhere to go.
I got a parking ticket earlier.
I'm thinking of going to see a movie at the Tower Theater at some point. I'm supposed to go see Zoe's apartment again when she gets back from Marin, but she's a flaky character and I'm not sure when that's going to be. Hopefully not too much later than 4:00. I'm planning on getting drunk with Sean later tonight in Auburn. This is my life right now. This is all that I can come up with. This feels so weird.
There is still plenty to be happy about. I try to focus on those things. I have a job, I am making new friends, I'm healthy, I still have a car, I still have my family. But I need more money. I need my own place. I need to feel like I've got my shit in order.
My biggest struggle right now is figuring out how to move out.
Of course Plan A is to go to Zoe's place when she moves, but she might not move on the 11th as planned (if she gets the job in Marin), which means... I dunno. It's a nice place. It's close enough to walk to work. But I can't handle too much more of this free-floating life. I'm not homeless, but if home is where the heart is, then I'm more homeless than I've ever been. In the meantime, I keep looking on craigslist for rooms to rent, but stop myself when I realize that I have no idea how much money I'm going to have when the time comes for rent and a possible deposit. Even with Zoe, the supposed 600 dollar payment might be a stretch, especially after helping AJ with rent this month. Please don't lecture me about how that's a dumb idea, because I've heard it enough, but AJ and I decided this was how it would work and there goes another 375 down the drain. It hurts, believe me. But no one said this was going to be easy. Change never is.
Well I guess that's it for now. Gonna get myself a sandwich and try to calm down.
- Left to Fry
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