The Day I Ranted About Teeth

Okay, no more depressing stuff. Sorry Paul.

Mostly I'm worried about my teeth. And on that topic, why the hell are teeth such a pain in the ass, anyway? Other than the appendix, it's the most poorly designed part of human biology. We get these bones to chew food with, that's fantastic, don't get me wrong, I love chewing on food, but they're full of nerves, they're detachable, they're stuffed together and threatened, by birth, with more teeth waiting for their turn, pushing, forcing their way toward the sun like flowers pushing through soil (I'm talking about you, wisdom teeth). The ones in the front get all the attention and the shadowy figures in the back just get jealous and start overdosing on glucose and getting cavities. In the meantime, orthodontics force alignment that needs a lifelong commitment to a hard piece of plastic and metal to maintain, and I haven't met one person who's still okay with that. Teeth are demanding, inconsiderate and relentlessly whiny. Fuck braces. I'm okay with brushing twice a day. Brushing my teeth feels good because toothpaste kinda tastes good and my tongue always feels tingly and I don't like getting food stuck in my teeth. And flossing--I should like flossing, but by the time I realized how much work it takes to keep good dental hygiene, flossing felt like self-flagellation. I'm not saying I won't try to start a proper flossing habit, but I'm not a big fan of spitting blood, so I'm hoping the advice that "your gums get stronger" is true, and I hope they're hitting the gyms while I'm at work because it feels like they have a long way to go. Of course I'm still drinking black coffee and Cheerwine (addicted, can't help it) and eating scones that I know were once piles of butter and brown sugar, so I bet my teeth are just shaking their heads in shame, thinking, "When will this guy ever learn?" But fuck you teeth. My stomach's happy and my brain gets that little buzz, so fuck you, teeth. You're just a bunch of bones. Hmm... On that note, maybe I'm not drinking enough milk. Milk helps bones. Does it help teeth? What I really need is a time machine and some of those flossing-sticks because when I was a kid, I hated the idea of taking a piece of string between two fingers and sticking my hand into my mouth to reach those far-back forgotten teeth, gagging to the point of tears just to pretend like I knew what was happening in there. So thank God they made flossing a little easier. I should quit being such a baby and just floss. And I sort of have been. It's just embarrassing. It doesn't hurt or anything, but it's a little creepy to look up in the mirror and look like Hannibal Lector after a meal. I just want to have all my teeth replaced with stainless steel. That would work best, I think. I've already had one tooth pulled because it literally committed suicide in my mouth, and I don't miss it one bit, but I don't want to have that happen too much because having no teeth just looks weird, plus I already talked about how much I like chewing my food and we're not quite at the stage where food comes in pill-form.

So the reason I'm so down about my teeth--I hope they're listening--is because I have a dentist appointment on Wednesday for free x-rays and a check-up. I'm thankful that this will be a free service because I'm a Peace Corps applicant, but for that same reason I'm concerned because I know there will be white spots on the x-rays, cavities, and I know there will be work to be done, and I just don't know how picky the Peace Corps is about cavities. Surely they'll want me to have decent teeth, but will they want me to get all the cavities fixed? This itself is a crazy question. Who wouldn't want to have their cavities fixed? I'll tell you who: me. Because even a standard cleaning costs 90 bucks. A cavity filling? I'm guessing somewhere closer to 150 or 200 bucks, without insurance. And who doesn't have insurance? I'll tell you who: me. So when I get my results on Wednesday and my dentist friend fills out my forms, he'll recommend all this work I need and he'll tell me how much it'll cost. Let's just assume it'll be about 500 bucks, which is one paycheck. Think I've got that kind of money laying around? I wish. I'm the guy who wants to pay off a credit card with financial aid. 

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