The Day I Considered The Value Of This Blog

I've put a lot of energy into this blog, and for what? It used to bother me that I was writing in this thing so much. That I concerned myself over the title image, the background color, the font and the framing. I still worry about these things. I still care, and it doesn't bother me anymore that I do. Everyone else and their mother is basically doing it. I think it's the healthiest thing we can do, both as individuals, but also as a species. Think of all the little details that we're sharing. Our little corners of the world. Who else can do that but ourselves? We are in charge of our history and we almost owe it to each other to convey what that feels like. We share to learn. We learn to grow. Here we think out loud in a place where everyone can listen.

I believe it when I tell people that writing a blog will change your life.

Sure there are still days when I feel unproductive. Sure there are responsibilities I still ignore. But for the most part, having a running blog has made me a better person. It's inspired me to experience. It's inspired me to experiment. The blog has served as a calendar to keep track of events, it has served as a therapist when I was awake at two a.m. with too much on my mind. It's been a coach on the sideline. It's been motivation to follow through with promises I make myself. It empowers me to create my own world and be proud of the things I do so that I can write about them, share them, and inspire others to do the same.

I have always wondered how to be the change I want to see in the world. But this is how. By writing openly. By yearning for good and fighting for it through reality's ever-thickening plot. For being the character I'd want to read about and doing the things I'd look for in a story. I can be whatever I want to be and write it so. I will do these things and more because life is my novel and there's nothing worse than getting to the final page and being disappointed. 

That said, Jenny's out getting sushi with her friend Julia. I'm a little high after sending a resume to an SAT English tutoring position, knowing very little about this operation, simply grabbing at another bullet-point on my resume. I know I'm going to Sac State no matter what. I know the Peace Corps is, basically, a given outcome of that. I'm set on that. But I want to get the hell away from coffee as soon as possible. The trouble is I need a job. The trouble is I kind of like my job, for the most part. But is it good for me? Is it the smart job for me, right now, 3,500 dollars in debt and awaiting student loan deferment for the second time? 

No. 

Anyway, Jenny's been having it hard with the post-college adjustments. I understand the feeling. Life after college is nothing like you'd expect. I think the only kids who don't freak out after college are the ones who don't stop, who go on to become doctors and professors right away, who don't stop and take a breath. Because once you surface from 16 years of education, you see how polluted the water really is. It's a beautiful world, don't get me wrong, but after college we really see and feel the violence of it, the unfairness, the mindless games that run the corporate sphere and our stupid dependence on it, the apparent lack of creative outlets and society's dismissal of them, the negativity and the taxes. It's a scary place. It's full of responsibility and decision making and successes and failures. It's different without a class schedule. It's different without teachers. We're all supporting each other now, as adults playing the game, filling and fighting our roles. No one knows why and no one knows how it all works, but it's all we've got. This is what we face after college. Some strange game of chance and opportunity and dreams. We all want some happiness, some happy place to end up, and how we'll get there we don't yet know, and perhaps none of us know, and when we think we do we find out it's something else entirely. Know it's all temporary and perhaps you will enjoy even the downfalls more. Know it's all temporary and perhaps you'll want to write about it, more now than ever because what will you do when you forget it ever happened? 

I've been listening to "When The Levee Breaks" on repeat while writing this.

I've almost posted 200 posts. 

I've followed myself from Carmichael to Midtown and I'll follow myself through grad school into the Peace Corps. I'll follow it until Blogger gets bought by Apple and turned into a Pay-Per-Post service. I might as well. Perhaps there will be phases where I write less, where life denies me the time or patience to write, but I can't see myself letting go of this any time soon. It's been good for me. It's made me honest. It's made me connect to people. It's made me push forward.

I opened with Nick on the register and we listened to a classic rock Pandora station for most of the day. Then Zoe didn't know she had to close today and I couldn't get a hold of her, so I took an hour break and came back at 3:00 to cover her shift. Luckily she found her phone after helping her brother move and was able to come in soon afterward and relieve me. I went out to CVS and bought mouthwash and shampoo. Then Jenny came by and we talked about her mindstate and I held her and she stretched a bit and we didn't come up with any easy answers for the post-college depression that hits us in the months after leaving that nest. It just happens. It's 16 years of education, done. Just like that. Either you've got your shit together or you don't and you figure it out along the way like most people. 

Yesterday I went with Jenny to dinner at her Dad's house on a golf course in the middle of nowhere (near Roseville). Played Wii with Luke for most of the beginning while Jenny and her family worked on a bee-replica built entirely out of recyclable materials (Luke's science project). Next it was hamburgers and a tour of the house and a half hour of television with the grandparents. Nice people, all of them. I admire their spirit and humor. I was still sick so I didn't say a whole lot and was finding it hard to breathe. Still had a good time. Jenny stayed over, though that probably wasn't the healthiest choice, and we both slept poorly. 

Coming up next: I put my car in PNO and cancel my car insurance, Loren turns 13 in May, Foster the People come to Harlow's in June, Jenny goes to visit Montana in July, Sac State orientation in August, school starts in September, and everything in between and after.

- Left to Fry