I've had a few "best day of the summer" days this summer, spaced between a handful of generally great experiences, some mediocre afternoons and a fair share of groggy mornings. So goes the ebb and flow of life, nothing surprising there. Can't know the sweet without the sour. But there's a degree of sour that I'm usually pretty good at avoiding, if only because I see the world as inherently good, therefore it is good. So even the sourest days are sugar-coated. Usually. Except today. Today I tasted very little sweet. Today was especially sour, and I didn't like it one bit.
I've not been coping well with Jenny's inevitable absences, both with this trip to Montana and her departure to South Korea in September. I've not been coping well with any of the changes going on around me. Part of this comes from a place of jealousy. Why not me? Why am I not leaving the state? Why am I still working at Old Soul? When I ask myself these questions, I remind myself that school starts next month, that my time for travel is coming, that what I view as permanence is very much not so. So it's not jealousy that's been keeping me down. I'm truly happy for everyone that's spreading their wings. I'm even happy for Tyler, the 19 year old who's decided to join the military so they'll pay for college. What's really keeping me down is recognizing the pain of broken bonds.
I've always been relatively loose with my attachment to people. It's a defense mechanism. You move around a lot as a kid and this just sort of happens. But recently, in this new Midtown life, I've actually let people into my life. I've shared with people as much as I've listened. I've gotten to know people. I've fallen in love. I've made great friends. I've started a tradition and I've made a nickname. I'm part of it as much as I've allowed Midtown to become part of me. Finally. I've decided not to just be the friendly bystander.
Now it's not so easy to say goodbye. Now I know what it feels like to feel absence.
I get the feeling this won't be getting any easier, either. I care more now than I ever did before. I'm more aware, now, of the value of good friends and good memories. I'm more observant. I'm more willing. I feel like I gave my heart back some of those sentimental notions that my left-brain logic was busy digesting, realizing that the heart garners all the juicy nutrients that my brain had no use for. Compassion? Empathy? Love? I used to think, "Why bother?" But now I get it. My heart pumps stronger now.
So the more it pumps, it seems, the more it hurts.
Now my left-brain logic is weighing me down with Told-You-So's and What'd-I-Tell-Ya's. It's not helping me cope with change much. It's not making the goodbyes any easier. These strong bonds I'm making are snapping with louder cracks than the severed cables that restrained the T-Rex on Isla Nublar. Hell, part of me wants to go on a Tyrannosaurus rampage. It might feel good to knock over a few cars and munch on some tourists. That might be a better outlet than introversion and heartbreak. Maybe drinking a six-pack of beer and playing Splinter Cell is as close as I'll get to letting loose. That's probably a good thing.
Long story short, today sucked.
It was okay working with Jason as he trained Megan and Megan caught on quick and seems like she'll be a pretty good fit behind the counter. After work, I should've just showered and napped, but dumb confusion over Jenny's plans led to a partial nap and a half-asleep afternoon doing chores as she got ready to leave for Montana in the morning. We went to Target and I bought a videogame. She put up a FOR SALE sign in the back window of her Dodge. For a late lunch we snacked on fish sticks in her bedroom while I played old 90's hip-hop videos and watched her pack her suitcase. Maybe everything would've been okay, but Jenny was in an uncommonly hectic mood and paired with my dulled view of the world, her road-rage and attitude just didn't feel right. I don't like hectic, edgy people and it's hard when that hectic, edgy person is your girlfriend. I let her do her thing. Stayed my usual self, if a little quieter than usual, though I didn't want to miss any chance to kiss her or put an arm around her shoulder. It felt weird. A part of me just wanted to go home and get this goodbye over with like ripping off a band-aid. Part of me wanted to stop doing stupid chores and have a nice dinner and extend the goodbye over a good bottle of wine. Instead, when we nearly arranged a way for me to spend a few more hours with her, I didn't have the strength to think of ways to make it work and then there wasn't parking so we couldn't get a coffee before she left and then we went around the block again, parked, kissed, she realized she forgot something, got flustered, I got out of the car, she left and I'm gonna miss her and it sucks.
Worst Day of Summer? Maybe not really. It was underwhelming. It was sad. I've just never been good with goodbyes, especially not goodbyes that matter. This isn't The Sims, no matter how much it sometimes feels like I've created this world, I recognize that I have no real control over it. I don't know how to be in a relationship spawned out of love. I especially don't know how to be in that relationship when someone moves to another country. I don't want my left-brain logic to be right. I don't want it to be impossible.
I want it to be easy.
I want it to work.
For now, I want to get drunk.
- Left to Fry
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