The Day The Blog Backfired

Well, fuck.

Now I don't know what the fuck to feel.

I'm never one for confrontation--I imagine the first thing I'd do in any mugging is try and bargain my way out--and I do my best to avoid it. When it's thrust upon me, I panic, I blabber, I toss my words around like hot potatoes. I hate it. It feels like my mind being thrown down a cement staircase. 

Yet, despite this, I have to keep writing. Perhaps less candid, from now on.

Jenny found this blog. Here I had this low-flame frustration with Sean's mentioning of the blog at the bonfire because I figured Jenny could've gone home and Googled it herself. It comes up if you type "Left to Fry," but it's like page three if you just go "Chris Fryer." She read everything and she wasn't happy. I would've said furious, but I suppose upset, hurt, and confused would be more appropriate. Suffice to say I apologized, made assumptions and made things worse--it's my style--and plummeted through a series of varying emotions that made my closing shift at Old Soul all the more unbearable. 

Then I found it was AJ who told Jenny. 

AJ, who said, "Look, i would have given anything for someone to come forward and tell me you cheated on me since you werent going to do it. Thats what i did for somebody else, and maybe in a year after you have lied to her a whole bunch, shell understand too. And the phone bill is split."

As if I were cheating on Jenny, who I'm not dating.

Yes, I made out with Anne-lise in San Francisco two weeks into the first attempt at a relationship with AJ. Yes, I didn't tell her about that for six months, when she asked me again about that night, curious about some Facebook messages I'd sent back then.

Yes, yes, yes. 

Different scenario. But thanks, AJ. 

So where things get fucked up is when I tell Jenny I'm not going to come over tonight because I feel bad and, basically, that I don't deserve too. She agrees with anticipation, evidently already in no mood to see me, and she has plans so it'll be alright if I just lock her bike to her apartment gate and leave the key under the mat. And I apologize for "breaking it--us, not the key or the bike," and Jenny replies, "There was no us, just an experience." 

Point taken. 

She's read everything. Everything. All this stuff that I've been thinking out loud, basically, and stuff I haven't even quite figured out for myself. The neat thing about keeping track of my life in this way is going back and seeing the evolution of a feeling. I go back to the night when Jenny and I were hanging out with Chris, and I had absolutely no idea that we'd get this close. But I don't know where it's going yet. Neither does Jenny, who didn't care about the stuff I wrote about other girls, because there are other guys in her life, too. There have been no expectations. In another week it could've all just fallen apart on its own, for all we know. 

I ended this night with the firm affirmation that my timeline with Jenny is over. When the news first hit me, moments after clocking on for my closing shift, I was surprised, then embarrassed, then sad, then frustrated, then anxious, and then angry. Angry that AJ told her about it. Angry that Jenny knows how I feel about her. Angry that I had to be censored. Angry that I let this happen. Angry that I can't take it back. Angry that the surprise is ruined, that Jenny stepped into my mind in a way I hadn't expected so soon, and angry that I feel so hollow. 

Angry that I'd rather be angry. Angry that it's all fucked. 

What's confusing is trying to figure out if the edits I made are going to fix things. I definitely know it's going to be weird to see her. She knows everything now. She's reading this right now. She's not the same Jenny anymore. And maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe tomorrow it won't feel weird. I fixed the problem, didn't I? Things are squared up for Jenny, which is great, it's her name and her right, but now what? 

I guess it'll be good to sleep on. Thank God it's Friday. Time to get stoned and open a bottle of wine and watch Scott Pilgrim.

Funny story: I went to yoga this morning to finish out my ten-for-ten deal with Chris. Yoga makes you feel so great afterward and when Chris said, "Have a good day," I replied, "It's hard not to, now." Guess I was wrong.

- Left to Fry