I'm struggling with something.
I'm entering some new phase of life and it feels awkward, like trying on a pair of shoes that you love but you're trying on the wrong size. I've got the right idea, but I'm just a little bit off target. I think this has to do a little bit with Kirsten and a little bit, surprisingly, with Jenny.
Jenny is my Clementine, as Clementine was to Joel Barish from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. His whimsical muse. His two-year relationship that ended so miserably that Clementine had Joel erased from her mind. Jenny as I'm getting to know her is like Clementine was for Joel. One step ahead of him, always, but still very involved in the moment. Clever. Smart. Different. Jenny is all of those things and this is why I think she's too dangerous. I can't say I'm not still going to pursue a friendship, if not more, with Jenny, but I am very curious how I plan to handle these emotions while my lifestyle tumbles clumsily alongside.
I thought about this most of all while fucking Kirsten this morning.
I thought about this while lulling about Old Soul doing chores and playing Words to pass the time. I thought about this and I wondered why. Why allow this? This isn't what I want, yet the feelings bloom brightly in the back of my mind like potted plants who still think they're in the wild. I feel this new soft grip on my heart that hasn't stopped since spending the night with her. I don't think I'm ready for it.
I spent this morning with Kirsten. I've been a little off-put since the morning when Katie reacted with pain when she interpreted the meaning of "I've got plans later later," and we had that awkward drive back to my house. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to be myself and not put out anything that I don't feel. What I feel with Katie and what I feel with Kirsten is a strong connection, a comfort and a friend. Someone human to talk to. Someone human to just be with. With them I feel emotionally neutral, both involved with their lives but living my own life entirely. With Jenny...
I have to remember what happens when I get in relationships. I can't trust myself right now. I don't know how it'll happen, but I have this feeling that Jenny would get bored. I imagine our story ending a lot like Joel and Clementine's. Knowing that, however, has made this get-to-know-you phase all the more fantastic and memorable. Like I want to make sure that anything we create together has a powerful beginning. How strongly I hold onto this memory of Valentine's night is a sign that I'm caught. She may have no intention to catch me, but I think she's caught me in the same way that I caught Katie, or that I've caught Kirsten. She's always been one step ahead of me.
This is frustrating.
My federal and California taxes were accepted. I'll be getting $600 bucks back this year, a record high for me, and all of it will be going toward my credit card. It's gonna hurt but it's gotta be done.
Sent an e-mail to PS7, the school where Drew volunteers as a poetry teacher for middle-schoolers, and figure if they don't reply within a week I'll drive over there and ask them how I can get involved. All I really want to do is tutor, but not a single craigslist tutoring job has responded to my inquiries over the years, so if I have to step up my game and actually teach something to a class, I better think of a subject I know completely. Maybe I could create some clever, thought-provoking film analysis course that focuses on movies that are focused on their demographic. Get their feedback, have them find the moral of each story, have them write a screenplay for their own short film. Or something... Erin said she sent in an e-mail a while ago and still hasn't heard back.
Went to midnight bowling @ Country Club Lanes in Carmichael with Shaun and Kirsten. I did better at pool and picking songs on the touch-screen jukebox than I did knocking down pins. Kirsten was flirty with me. It wasn't bothersome, but noticeable, and I figure I don't really care how Kirsten wants to be around me. All I desire is to be able to behave however I want to behave with her, and if she is okay with what I give and how I give it, then we can keep doing whatever it is that we're doing. Shaun seemed to have a good time. "So Kirsten's being pretty touchy feely with you," he stated at some point during the night. I had no good response. "She can do what she wants," I think I said. The next morning she's whispering "You feel so good" into my ear and I honestly still have no idea how this friendship developed to this stage. It just is and we don't bother stopping to define it.
And along comes Jenny.
Jenny, who is likely not even all that interested in me. I mean I want to think there's something, despite my concerns for how that will play out, but only because I'm pretty sure that I feel something. I just want to know if I'm feeling something for nothing, or if it's something worth exploring. This is how I imagine falling in love feels. This is how it starts.
Weird.
By the way, Jennifer Clowers from the Peace Corps is "out of the office" more than any person I've ever known, ever. Granted, she was sick for a while and missed my interview because of it, but now she's gone for another two days and I want to talk to her about my pursuit of the Masters International Program and planned work with PS7. She's going to put my application on hold until I find out if I got into the graduate program or not, for which, with my stats, I know I'm not the most ideal candidate, but I can't say that I didn't try.
Joe was at work. He's doing well. Ciera came in later. She's 21 now. Kirsten came by, slept in my bed most of the day and was on her way to light-rail home. Saw Lance, who was asking me how to woo Stephanie, the baker, my pseudo-mother. Wrote my old friend Jason a facebook birthday wish. Made plans to meet my Grandma and sister at the train station at 8:30am tomorrow morning. Finally got around to separating AJ from my AT&T account. The toilet is still clogged, has been since Friday, and right now it sounds like Drew is trying to fix it. I e-mailed Jenny the first 45 pages of my robot story. Saw Erin at work, talked to her about PS7. Alvaro e-mailed me the new Porcupine Tree album. Had brief moments with a couple cute girls at work, but didn't take any names. Wasn't in the mood. Found out I got captured in this photo in Lindol's article about the Murder By Death show, taken by the wonderfully talented Stephen Chea. That's me on the left. Tessa was to my right wearing the striped shirt. That's Lindol in the middle, taking notes on the show.
Zoe's back in town. Meredith said she might be there tomorrow when I come over to smoke and play catch-up. Zoe's been in Portland for months and is coming back for the duration of summer before going to the San Francisco Art Institute. I heard all this from Meredith. My heart skipped a beat when I heard this news, flashing back to fruitless crush I had on Zoe during my first months at Old Soul long, long ago.
I'm good at falling in love. I'm good at being loved. I'm not all that great at loving. But I can't help it. I'm afraid of settling and I'm afraid of girls like Clementine. I want to be reckless. I want to be free. I want to just be myself every day and all the time and not be questioned and not be pigeonholed. I am whatever I want to be in any moment because that is the way I want it to be, and if you question my motives then you just don't understand what it means to be limitless. Which is why I'm fascinated by the inklings of love. If that's what I feel, then am I meant to encourage it? Am I meant to dwell on it?
I think I'll just see what happens.
I just need to figure out how to wrap my head and habits around these fluctuating emotions and everything will be alright. I'm also thinking this anxiety has a lot to do with applying to Sac State. I'm putting myself out there a little more than I ever have and if it doesn't follow through, I'll have to figure out something else. It's already been close to two years since I graduated. Do I want to wait for my future to happen when a whole new batch of hopeless graduates are let loose into the world this June? It's going to get harder before it gets easier. Knowing that, I'm crossing my fingers and toes for the Sac State plan, because that leads me into the Peace Corps plan, which leads me to progress.
Progress is the act of pursuing the path that feels right.
Progress is catching up on some sleep. I've got an early date with my family tomorrow and a two day vacation from Old Soul to appreciate.
- Left to Fry
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