The Day I Became A Capricorn And Nearly Ran Out Of Money After I Bought A James Bond Novel

I have 36 bucks in the bank account.

Also found out that I'm now a Capricorn. Not sure how I feel about that, yet. I'll have to try it on for a while and see where it takes me.

AJ texted me this afternoon: 

"You know its actually a comfort to me to know i was always right about everything. It still shocks me that you are who you really are though. It was all a test, and i passed. Dont get me wrong, none of it matters other than in retrospect i had a hard time trusting myself, and now ill never doubt me again."

Reading that was a total buzz-kill, at first, like someone pulled the plug of my inflatable castle. Leave it to AJ to strike the very core of me. Being my ex-girlfriend, she spent more time with me than anyone else in my recent past, and you can't spend that much time with someone without figuring out what makes them tick. Maybe I falsified a lot of my personality, but the roots still showed, and now that we've broken up I have nothing preventing me from letting those roots grow. 

I've always known about these roots. This detachment mixed with abundant curiosity. This lack of morality bonded with absolute acceptance. Boundless tolerance mixed with narcissistic selfishness. I know that by many standards my roots are completely unacceptable. I make religious people upset and romantic people frustrated. What I never knew, however, was what it would feel like to embrace my roots and to let my natural self grow. 

How astonishing that feels. 

I'm sitting on the floor listening to Carla Bruni again after a rainy morning spent with Katie. All we did was hang out like two close friends, watching LOST, getting breakfast at Lucky's Cafe and taking a stroll through the aisles of Time Tested Books (I bought my first James Bond novel, Goldfinger). We went to Spin Burger last night and stopped at the YWCA to sit in the courtyard and discuss our new situation.

"I'm applying for jobs in San Francisco, the Philippines and South Africa. I think it's pretty obvious that I'm not expecting this to be... A relationship," said Katie. 

So that was good to talk about. She's aware that she's not the only person I'm sleeping with. So long as I make sure I'm very clear about the state of existence I'm seeking in Sacramento, I can keep from hurting anyone. I think. I don't know. Women are crazy. 

AJ's message still got me wondering: What the hell am I doing?

It doesn't feel natural. In fact, the lifestyle I'm creating for myself is difficult to maintain. The best thing I can do for myself and everyone around me is remain honest. I either have to stick to my roots or go back to dying my personality to mask it. Knowing the outcome of a masked identity, I'd rather not do that again. But can I handle the responsibility of an identity I've never met until now?

Am I ready for the real me? 

And is it? 

I've decided, at the very least, that I'm okay with staying in Sacramento until August. That'll be a full year from the day I moved to Midtown. All four seasons. Maybe the Peace Corps will be waiting. Maybe it'll be San Francisco. Maybe it'll be something else entirely. Either way, moving date is scheduled for August 30, 2011. 

What will I do in the meantime? 

This life doesn't quite feel natural. I have much more to learn. I'm hoping all the people I meet and all the interactions I have will teach me something, lead me somewhere, show me a truth I haven't uncovered. I might feel like I've got it all figured out, but I know I'm young, I know I'm inexperienced, and so I know that things will change and lessons will be learned. 

But this feels right for now.

And that's a good feeling.

"Fuck it, Dude. Let's go bowling."

- Left to Fry