I haven't felt sincerely happy for a while. That's my problem. I've felt a variety of positive emotions, but they are balanced by the struggle and frustrations of putting my life in order. What I've yet to come across, however, is actual happiness. There's something terrible about that.
There's a lot to work on. There's my financial debt. There's my vision of the future.
I also had that training with Sac Press planned today, but Colleen called and canceled because she was sick and her replacement trainer fell through. I guess it'll happen at some time tomorrow. I'm expecting a phone call in the morning. Sucks that I went to Old Soul early just to get a head start on the day, then had the plans changed just minutes before heading over there. Instead I drove to McKinley Park and read a lot of "Up In The Air," which I wound up finishing later in the night. Everything happens for a reason, though, right?
I guess Thursday is my official move-in date. That's only a few days away.
Carlos texted me. Apparently he's been in Chicago for a while, and I was just thinking the other day about how it was a bummer that my new friend suddenly disappeared. So is the life of a coffeeshop barista, however. Everyone's in transit. No one lasts forever. Zoe leaves for Portland on Wednesday and I probably won't be able to say goodbye. I need to not attach so quickly--which is weird coming from someone who detaches without a flinch. Anyway, living in Midtown is going to be awesome, and these next couple days will be torture.
I tried smiling more today. Smiling just to smile. Doing so made me laugh, which made smiling easier, and it really did improve my mood for a while. I need to learn to harness the power of laughter and bottle it up in my brain. It comes with peacefulness, I think. With tranquility. I've been lacking that. I feel like the positive energy I've been trying to put out in the universe hasn't been echoing accordingly. Not that good things aren't happening. I just feel a weird, intrusive energy pushing against me. It's all a test. Ask for strength and you will be challenged.
- Left to Fry
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